Man vs AI Christmas Special: Winter Window - Best vs Worst

Jonathan Victoria • 18 Dec 2024 Features

Sometimes maybe good, sometimes maybe…

The January transfer window. The time for teams to add the pieces they need to mount a title charge, relegation battle or simply improve in areas they feel they need to be better in.

It doesn’t always produce the most sensational moves, but the winter window has provided some memorable signings over the years - not always for the good, though.

Today, we’re going to take a look at some of those good and bad moves. But rather than doing a simple list of each, I’m playing around with it.

Who doesn’t love to imagine their dream 5-a-side team? We’ve all thought of it at some point. Well today, I’ve put together the best and worst January transfers 5-a-side teams, and then asked ChatGPT who it believes would win. Fun, right?

So without further ado, here are the two sides that I have picked as the best and worst January transfers in Premier League history, plus two subs, because you always need subs.

Actually, one slight ado - you’ll notice that neither side has a recognised goalkeeper. That’s because there genuinely has never been a good goalkeeper move in January (not at least that I could find). So I’ve gone with the most fun way to play, scramble (or spider goalie, monkey rush, spider goalie, or simply last man back. However you call it).

Best

DEF: Nemanja Vidic | Spartak Moscow to Manchester United (2006) | £7m

DEF: Virgil van Dijk | Southampton to Liverpool (2018) | £75m

MID: Bruno Fernandes | Sporting Lisbon to Manchester United (2020) | £46.6m

ATT: Luis Suarez | Ajax to Liverpool (2011) | £22.7m

ATT: Andy Cole | Newcastle to Manchester United (1995) | £7m

Bench: Martin Odegaard (2021) | Patrice Evra (2006)

Clearly from looking at this team, you already know it’s not going to be a fair contest.

I’ve gone with a simple 2-1-2 here and right away, you may notice a few Manchester United players in there. I promise I’m not a United fan, it’s just that they’ve done some really good business in January’s in the past.

Starting with the defence, this is arguably the greatest centre back pairing in Premier League history. Nemanja Vidic to United ended up being an incredible bit of business, especially for only £7m. Even if he cost Van Dijk money he would’ve been worth it. 

Speaking of Virgil van Dijk money, that £75m Liverpool paid Southampton for the Dutch defender is nothing in comparison to the success he brought them since he joined. He was a catalyst, along with Mo Salah and fellow Southampton departee Sadio Mane, in their ascension to the top.

Moving on to the midfielder and undoubtedly Bruno Fernandes belongs here. I, like may, am not a fan of his attitude at times, but regardless, his importance and impact since moving to the Prem can’t be denied. I’ll put it like this - imagine where United would be if they hadn’t signed him.

Up front, I’ve put two habitual goal scorers in Andy Cole and Luis Suarez. Admittedly, Cole was a little before my time, but from what I know and have seen from the numerous Premier League years I’ve watched on Sky Sports, that man was a baller. 

Suarez, though, I remember. How could you forget? He felt genuinely unstoppable on a good day and simply brilliant still on a bad one. 

On the bench, I had to include Arsenal’s star playmaker Martin Odegaard. He may not have quite panned out to be the player we all thought he would be from his viral clips as a 14-year-old, but he has developed into a mighty force.

Lastly, Patrice Evra deserves a spot on the team through his impact during United’s dominant 2000s and early 2010s. While never the main player, he played his role to perfection, adding to that incredible back line.

Worst

DEF: Jean-Alain Boumsong | Rangers to Newcastle (2005) | £8m
DEF: Christopher Samba | Anzi to QPR (2013) | £12.5m

ATT: Alexis Sanchez | Arsenal to Manchester United (2018) | Swap involving Henrikh Mkhitaryan
ATT: Fernando Torres | Liverpool to Chelsea (2011) | £50m
ATT: Andy Carroll | Newcastle to Liverpool (2011) | £35m

Bench: Juan Cuadrado (2015) | Guido Carillo (2018)

On to the worst and wow is this bad. I’ve tried to give them a chance by going all-out attacking with a 2-3 formation, but I don’t think anything can help this team.

I can’t say too much about Jean-Alain Boumsong, but from the sounds of it, it was a bit odd. He signed for Rangers in the summer of 2004 for free only to move immediately in January to Newcastle, who had never shown any signs of interest. While he wasn’t bad at all, there was an inquiry into the dodgy feeling people got surrounding the move, hence why he is here.

While Boumsong may have been half decent, Christopher Samba’s tenure with QPR certainly wasn’t. Once the captain and star man at the back for Blackburn Rovers, Samba’s second tenure in the Prem took him to QPR where he played only 10 games, got injured, couldn’t save them from the drop then dipped back to Russia in the summer.

Moving up to Alexis Sanchez, and this was one of the more disappointing moves. While brilliant with Arsenal, his swap to Man United proved the complete opposite, scoring just three goals in 32 league games. I’ll also throw in the note that the deal, a swap with Henrikh Mkhitryan, proved awful for Arsenal as well.

Fernando Torres is next, and I don’t think anyone saw this coming. Torres was a machine with Liverpool and looked like he could propel them to the next heights. But he moved to Chelsea at the start of 2011 and suddenly forgot who he was or how to score consistently. He may have scored the goal to send them through to the 2012 Champions League final, which they won, but Torres was nothing but a flop for the Blues.

In his place, Liverpool used £35m of the Torres £50m to get… Andy Carroll. In hindsight it was terrible, and even then there were questions. He was bought on deadline day but a previous injury meant he didn’t debut for another month. He would end up playing for the Reds for a whopping year and a half before being moved on, scoring only six goals in 44 games.

On the bench, Juan Cuadrado was a travesty during his Chelsea tenure but the real reason he belongs here is because the deal they made with him saw Mo Salah head the other way to Fiorentina. Great work, Chelsea.

Alongside him is a personal pain, Guido Carrillo, who was Southampton’s record signing for some time. He made 10 total appearances for the Saints, having joined in January 2018 and left in July the same year.

Man vs AI: Who wins?

There are the teams with a little bit of explanation for the players, although not much was needed for the best side.

Now it’s time for the main event - who does ChatGPT think would win between the two teams.

I think we all know who would win to be honest. I’m going to make it a bit more interesting by disregarding the players during their time with the team they moved to and say every player is in their prime. That gives the worst team something to hold on to, but probably not too much. Let’s see what ChatGPT has to say…

The Best Team boasts a formidable defence with Vidic and Van Dijk, which would be very difficult to breach. They also have a very balanced attack and midfield presence with players like Bruno Fernandes, Luis Suarez, and Andy Cole who can capitalize on almost any opportunity.

The Worst Team, while having had some less successful transfers, includes players like Alexis Sanchez and Fernando Torres who, at their prime, were world-class. Their main challenge would be the defensive instability and less coherent teamwork compared to the Best Team.

Given the overall balance, skill levels, and peak career performances, the Best Team would likely dominate. Their defence can handle high pressure and their attackers have the versatility and skill to exploit any gaps in the opposition. However, if Sanchez and Torres can find their prime form, they could certainly make things interesting with their scoring capabilities.

Well there we have it. A very predictable outcome, although I’m still surprised even ChatGPT’s usual political stance of not giving a definitive answer was able to see which would win.

And with that, we look forward to another January transfer window. Maybe there will be some new entries added to this in the future. We won’t know until the moves happen, so for now, we enjoy what there already is.